My last blog post, done at the end of 2011, mentioned I was suffering from anxiety & depression again, and I have to say not much has changed.
I've done a lot of reflecting, to try and understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and I still have no idea. Most days are a struggle, and it's so frustrating to not know why. I'm trying to give myself a break, allowing myself time off or time out when I need it and not mentally beat myself up for feeling this way, but it would be good to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. I've been here before, and I know I always get better - but I can't seem to stay better, and that's the bit that worries me the most.
I've been on anti-depressants since just before Xmas, but I'm so forgetful that I have to set myself a daily reminder to take them otherwise I forget - and that's with having them right next to me. This fog that seems to surround me is so frustrating - I forget so much at the moment that if it's not written down, or have someone to remind me, I won't remember. For the most part I seem to be functioning pretty well - I can get out of bed (eventually), shower, get dressed, sometimes even feel good enough to cook. So for anyone on the outside looking in, they'd never know I was ill. But I feel like it's a mask I'm wearing - it's all for somebody else's benefit. I can make it through an entire day without crying (most days, anyway) but for the most part I can't remember what I've done - there are times I've held entire conversations with someone and afterwards realised I don't have a clue what was said. It's like one of those old phrases - the lights are on, but nobody's home.
I've been going to my classes at uni, but it's out of necessity - the course I'm doing has been withdrawn, and it appears to be happening across most of the country, so I know I'll never get the chance to do this again. I've managed to hand in my assignments on time (for the most part), but I've seen a sharp decline in the quality of my work as I'm getting mainly Cs and Ds, when I'm typically an A/B student. I just feel so stupid - it's like my brain is incapable of processing anything above simple and it takes me 3 times as long as it would normally to understand whatever I'm reading.
I seem to be suffering from an annoying bout of insomnia as well - not only can it take hours to get to sleep, I struggle staying asleep and end up tossing & turning all night. I don't know if that's because of my medication, or just the way my mind is at the moment. I suspect it could be a combination.
The other thing I've noticed is this inability to "switch off" - I know I find it hard to relax usually, but this time around feels different. It's like I've gone into survival mode, wary of everything around me - it's like my switch is stuck on "fight or flight" response and won't turn off. Even more worrying is part of me doesn't want to. One of the things we're doing at uni is looking at different forms of therapy (last week was narrative therapy) as part of the healing process, and we had to pair up and follow a script focused around 1 negative trait we could identify in ourselves, and externalise the problem. For most people, it was control - for me, it was worry. It's only been on reflection that I've realised just how much I worry, and how little it takes to set me off - but it feels like I'm expecting something bad to happen so I won't allow myself to relax in case I have to escape. It's no wonder I'm so exhausted - it can't be doing my body any good, and I know this is 1 of the symptoms of anxiety, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I just wish I knew what was going on - I keep thinking that if I could understand why this is happening, I'd be able to deal with it better...whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I have to keep hoping things will get better.
I've done a lot of reflecting, to try and understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and I still have no idea. Most days are a struggle, and it's so frustrating to not know why. I'm trying to give myself a break, allowing myself time off or time out when I need it and not mentally beat myself up for feeling this way, but it would be good to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. I've been here before, and I know I always get better - but I can't seem to stay better, and that's the bit that worries me the most.
I've been on anti-depressants since just before Xmas, but I'm so forgetful that I have to set myself a daily reminder to take them otherwise I forget - and that's with having them right next to me. This fog that seems to surround me is so frustrating - I forget so much at the moment that if it's not written down, or have someone to remind me, I won't remember. For the most part I seem to be functioning pretty well - I can get out of bed (eventually), shower, get dressed, sometimes even feel good enough to cook. So for anyone on the outside looking in, they'd never know I was ill. But I feel like it's a mask I'm wearing - it's all for somebody else's benefit. I can make it through an entire day without crying (most days, anyway) but for the most part I can't remember what I've done - there are times I've held entire conversations with someone and afterwards realised I don't have a clue what was said. It's like one of those old phrases - the lights are on, but nobody's home.
I've been going to my classes at uni, but it's out of necessity - the course I'm doing has been withdrawn, and it appears to be happening across most of the country, so I know I'll never get the chance to do this again. I've managed to hand in my assignments on time (for the most part), but I've seen a sharp decline in the quality of my work as I'm getting mainly Cs and Ds, when I'm typically an A/B student. I just feel so stupid - it's like my brain is incapable of processing anything above simple and it takes me 3 times as long as it would normally to understand whatever I'm reading.
I seem to be suffering from an annoying bout of insomnia as well - not only can it take hours to get to sleep, I struggle staying asleep and end up tossing & turning all night. I don't know if that's because of my medication, or just the way my mind is at the moment. I suspect it could be a combination.
The other thing I've noticed is this inability to "switch off" - I know I find it hard to relax usually, but this time around feels different. It's like I've gone into survival mode, wary of everything around me - it's like my switch is stuck on "fight or flight" response and won't turn off. Even more worrying is part of me doesn't want to. One of the things we're doing at uni is looking at different forms of therapy (last week was narrative therapy) as part of the healing process, and we had to pair up and follow a script focused around 1 negative trait we could identify in ourselves, and externalise the problem. For most people, it was control - for me, it was worry. It's only been on reflection that I've realised just how much I worry, and how little it takes to set me off - but it feels like I'm expecting something bad to happen so I won't allow myself to relax in case I have to escape. It's no wonder I'm so exhausted - it can't be doing my body any good, and I know this is 1 of the symptoms of anxiety, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I just wish I knew what was going on - I keep thinking that if I could understand why this is happening, I'd be able to deal with it better...whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I have to keep hoping things will get better.
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