Not much has changed since my last post - I'm still struggling as much as ever. I have "good" days, but they feel fake - I get an almost hyper response to things, and I think it's one of the side effects of my anti-depressants. It was starting to make me paranoid that I actually have bipolar, but I don't seem to have any other symptoms and it does say on my meds that becoming "highly excitable" can be one of the side effects so I'm putting it down to that, but at the same time trying to keep a regular journal to track what's going on in case something happens.
So on my good days, I can function pretty well - showered, dressed etc - and leave the house, but I only seem to have 1 of them about once a week. The rest of the time I just feel like a shadow - really sluggish, forgetful and downhearted. Last week I'd gone to the doctor's for a prescription renewal and to get another sick note, but after that I spent the next 4 days not even bothering to get out of my PJs - the prospect of leaving the house didn't even enter my head, and I had no interest in doing anything.
I dread social encounters where I'm asked what I've been up to lately, because I have no idea what to say - do I admit the truth and say I spend most of my time indoors in PJs because getting showered & dressed is too much effort? That I've been avoiding phone calls because I can't face talking to people?
I seem to have lost all interest in cooking, which is a Big Deal for me - I've been forced to do all my shopping online recently, partly because I can't afford to buy my own groceries so my mum helps out by lending me her card, and on the latest shop I've resigned myself to accepting that I'm just not capable of cooking right now, unless it's a simple "bung it in the oven" scenario, so have had to get a lot of convenient foods like frozen chips, pizza, sausage rolls, etc.
My sleeping is still messed up - I can't seem to get to sleep until it's almost getting light outside, then I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or two...I keep trying to regulate my sleeping habits, but I'm still sleeping until at least midday, sometimes 2pm - very irritating, but I'm too exhausted to even try to get up before then. I'm thankful that uni has been on a break this week, but I'm worried about whether I'll be able to get up for classes next week.
Had my assessment over the phone for counselling this week - I've been referred for more CBT, but there's a 4-month waiting list...I've got an appointment with occupational health coming up so hoping they can maybe get me some help before then, because I'm really struggling. I think I've been downplaying my illness, using the "I'm fine" line because I know deep down that people won't be able to cope with the truth. I'm not suicidal, or at least I don't want to die, but I've been questioning my value lately & from past experience that's a slippery slope to having thoughts about stepping in front of a bus or crashing the car. I don't like admitting when I'm vulnerable - it's part of my self-protection - but I might need to, otherwise I might not get the help I need. But I don't know how to ask for help, and I don't know where to start - it's like I have issues I can't even form coherent thoughts about, let alone put into words.
For the most part, I feel secure at home and even if I don't manage to get dressed or do very much then I still feel ok in a way (as much as a depressed person can be ok, at any rate) - but it's the outside world that...I don't know how to describe it, I don't want to say it terrifies me, but it's the only word my brain will produce. Am I agoraphobic? I don't know. The weird thing is some days I don't think twice about going outside, and other days I avoid it at all costs, or can only do it if my boyfriend comes with me. The counselling assessor asked me "what's the worst that could happen?" and I couldn't answer - that's the most frustrating bit, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Partly I'm afraid that the minute I drop my guard, something bad will happen.
I can't honestly pinpoint what's worse - the anxiety, or the depression. Some days I feel mostly "down", some days I feel hyper-sensitive to my surroundings, and other days I'll jump between them both like somebody playing with my internal light switch.
So on my good days, I can function pretty well - showered, dressed etc - and leave the house, but I only seem to have 1 of them about once a week. The rest of the time I just feel like a shadow - really sluggish, forgetful and downhearted. Last week I'd gone to the doctor's for a prescription renewal and to get another sick note, but after that I spent the next 4 days not even bothering to get out of my PJs - the prospect of leaving the house didn't even enter my head, and I had no interest in doing anything.
I dread social encounters where I'm asked what I've been up to lately, because I have no idea what to say - do I admit the truth and say I spend most of my time indoors in PJs because getting showered & dressed is too much effort? That I've been avoiding phone calls because I can't face talking to people?
I seem to have lost all interest in cooking, which is a Big Deal for me - I've been forced to do all my shopping online recently, partly because I can't afford to buy my own groceries so my mum helps out by lending me her card, and on the latest shop I've resigned myself to accepting that I'm just not capable of cooking right now, unless it's a simple "bung it in the oven" scenario, so have had to get a lot of convenient foods like frozen chips, pizza, sausage rolls, etc.
My sleeping is still messed up - I can't seem to get to sleep until it's almost getting light outside, then I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or two...I keep trying to regulate my sleeping habits, but I'm still sleeping until at least midday, sometimes 2pm - very irritating, but I'm too exhausted to even try to get up before then. I'm thankful that uni has been on a break this week, but I'm worried about whether I'll be able to get up for classes next week.
Had my assessment over the phone for counselling this week - I've been referred for more CBT, but there's a 4-month waiting list...I've got an appointment with occupational health coming up so hoping they can maybe get me some help before then, because I'm really struggling. I think I've been downplaying my illness, using the "I'm fine" line because I know deep down that people won't be able to cope with the truth. I'm not suicidal, or at least I don't want to die, but I've been questioning my value lately & from past experience that's a slippery slope to having thoughts about stepping in front of a bus or crashing the car. I don't like admitting when I'm vulnerable - it's part of my self-protection - but I might need to, otherwise I might not get the help I need. But I don't know how to ask for help, and I don't know where to start - it's like I have issues I can't even form coherent thoughts about, let alone put into words.
For the most part, I feel secure at home and even if I don't manage to get dressed or do very much then I still feel ok in a way (as much as a depressed person can be ok, at any rate) - but it's the outside world that...I don't know how to describe it, I don't want to say it terrifies me, but it's the only word my brain will produce. Am I agoraphobic? I don't know. The weird thing is some days I don't think twice about going outside, and other days I avoid it at all costs, or can only do it if my boyfriend comes with me. The counselling assessor asked me "what's the worst that could happen?" and I couldn't answer - that's the most frustrating bit, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Partly I'm afraid that the minute I drop my guard, something bad will happen.
I can't honestly pinpoint what's worse - the anxiety, or the depression. Some days I feel mostly "down", some days I feel hyper-sensitive to my surroundings, and other days I'll jump between them both like somebody playing with my internal light switch.
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