Not really feeling any better

Not much has changed since my last post - I'm still struggling as much as ever. I have "good" days, but they feel fake - I get an almost hyper response to things, and I think it's one of the side effects of my anti-depressants. It was starting to make me paranoid that I actually have bipolar, but I don't seem to have any other symptoms and it does say on my meds that becoming "highly excitable" can be one of the side effects so I'm putting it down to that, but at the same time trying to keep a regular journal to track what's going on in case something happens.

So on my good days, I can function pretty well - showered, dressed etc - and leave the house, but I only seem to have 1 of them about once a week. The rest of the time I just feel like a shadow - really sluggish, forgetful and downhearted. Last week I'd gone to the doctor's for a prescription renewal and to get another sick note, but after that I spent the next 4 days not even bothering to get out of my PJs - the prospect of leaving the house didn't even enter my head, and I had no interest in doing anything.

I dread social encounters where I'm asked what I've been up to lately, because I have no idea what to say - do I admit the truth and say I spend most of my time indoors in PJs because getting showered & dressed is too much effort? That I've been avoiding phone calls because I can't face talking to people?

I seem to have lost all interest in cooking, which is a Big Deal for me - I've been forced to do all my shopping online recently, partly because I can't afford to buy my own groceries so my mum helps out by lending me her card, and on the latest shop I've resigned myself to accepting that I'm just not capable of cooking right now, unless it's a simple "bung it in the oven" scenario, so have had to get a lot of convenient foods like frozen chips, pizza, sausage rolls, etc.

My sleeping is still messed up - I can't seem to get to sleep until it's almost getting light outside, then I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or two...I keep trying to regulate my sleeping habits, but I'm still sleeping until at least midday, sometimes 2pm - very irritating, but I'm too exhausted to even try to get up before then. I'm thankful that uni has been on a break this week, but I'm worried about whether I'll be able to get up for classes next week.

Had my assessment over the phone for counselling this week - I've been referred for more CBT, but there's a 4-month waiting list...I've got an appointment with occupational health coming up so hoping they can maybe get me some help before then, because I'm really struggling. I think I've been downplaying my illness, using the "I'm fine" line because I know deep down that people won't be able to cope with the truth. I'm not suicidal, or at least I don't want to die, but I've been questioning my value lately & from past experience that's a slippery slope to having thoughts about stepping in front of a bus or crashing the car. I don't like admitting when I'm vulnerable - it's part of my self-protection - but I might need to, otherwise I might not get the help I need. But I don't know how to ask for help, and I don't know where to start - it's like I have issues I can't even form coherent thoughts about, let alone put into words.

For the most part, I feel secure at home and even if I don't manage to get dressed or do very much then I still feel ok in a way (as much as a depressed person can be ok, at any rate) - but it's the outside world that...I don't know how to describe it, I don't want to say it terrifies me, but it's the only word my brain will produce. Am I agoraphobic? I don't know. The weird thing is some days I don't think twice about going outside, and other days I avoid it at all costs, or can only do it if my boyfriend comes with me. The counselling assessor asked me "what's the worst that could happen?" and I couldn't answer - that's the most frustrating bit, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Partly I'm afraid that the minute I drop my guard, something bad will happen.

I can't honestly pinpoint what's worse - the anxiety, or the depression. Some days I feel mostly "down", some days I feel hyper-sensitive to my surroundings, and other days I'll jump between them both like somebody playing with my internal light switch.

The sun is shining...but not for me

My last blog post, done at the end of 2011, mentioned I was suffering from anxiety & depression again, and I have to say not much has changed.

I've done a lot of reflecting, to try and understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and I still have no idea.  Most days are a struggle, and it's so frustrating to not know why.  I'm trying to give myself a break, allowing myself time off or time out when I need it and not mentally beat myself up for feeling this way, but it would be good to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been here before, and I know I always get better - but I can't seem to stay better, and that's the bit that worries me the most.

I've been on anti-depressants since just before Xmas, but I'm so forgetful that I have to set myself a daily reminder to take them otherwise I forget - and that's with having them right next to me.  This fog that seems to surround me is so frustrating - I forget so much at the moment that if it's not written down, or have someone to remind me, I won't remember.  For the most part I seem to be functioning pretty well - I can get out of bed (eventually), shower, get dressed, sometimes even feel good enough to cook.  So for anyone on the outside looking in, they'd never know I was ill.  But I feel like it's a mask I'm wearing - it's all for somebody else's benefit.  I can make it through an entire day without crying (most days, anyway) but for the most part I can't remember what I've done - there are times I've held entire conversations with someone and afterwards realised I don't have a clue what was said.  It's like one of those old phrases - the lights are on, but nobody's home.

I've been going to my classes at uni, but it's out of necessity - the course I'm doing has been withdrawn, and it appears to be happening across most of the country, so I know I'll never get the chance to do this again.  I've managed to hand in my assignments on time (for the most part), but I've seen a sharp decline in the quality of my work as I'm getting mainly Cs and Ds, when I'm typically an A/B student.  I just feel so stupid - it's like my brain is incapable of processing anything above simple and it takes me 3 times as long as it would normally to understand whatever I'm reading.

I seem to be suffering from an annoying bout of insomnia as well - not only can it take hours to get to sleep, I struggle staying asleep and end up tossing & turning all night.  I don't know if that's because of my medication, or just the way my mind is at the moment.  I suspect it could be a combination.

The other thing I've noticed is this inability to "switch off" - I know I find it hard to relax usually, but this time around feels different.  It's like I've gone into survival mode, wary of everything around me - it's like my switch is stuck on "fight or flight" response and won't turn off.  Even more worrying is part of me doesn't want to.  One of the things we're doing at uni is looking at different forms of therapy (last week was narrative therapy) as part of the healing process, and we had to pair up and follow a script focused around 1 negative trait we could identify in ourselves, and externalise the problem.  For most people, it was control - for me, it was worry.  It's only been on reflection that I've realised just how much I worry, and how little it takes to set me off - but it feels like I'm expecting something bad to happen so I won't allow myself to relax in case I have to escape.  It's no wonder I'm so exhausted - it can't be doing my body any good, and I know this is 1 of the symptoms of anxiety, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I just wish I knew what was going on - I keep thinking that if I could understand why this is happening, I'd be able to deal with it better...whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I have to keep hoping things will get better.