I've not posted in a while - I must admit it was a bit of a shock to the system going back to uni after 4 months of doing Not Very Much!
I started off doing really well - I was organised, I had 100% attendance on all classes (even the ones that were a waste of time) and I'd started planning my coursework and case studies. And then it just all went a bit wonky somehow...
I'm not even sure how I've ended up back here. Certainly I'm not feeling as bad as I was a couple of years ago, but in a way I feel like I've taken a big step backwards, when I was trying to look forwards. But my depression and anxiety symptoms have both reared their ugly heads again, and it's forced me to take a time out. To be fair, I think I've had a bit of a crappy year looking back - I spent the first 4 months ill (flu, tonsilitis, ear infection, tinnitus) and had to have an op to remove my tonsils, lost my first ever cat (even 7 months later, I'm still grieving - I loved him so completely, more than I ever thought possible), was diagnosed with PCOS and told they can't tell if I'm even ovulating (so my fertility is questionable, at best), and somehow came to the realisation that I was raped when I was 19...those are the things that spring to mind when I look back on this year. So it's fair to say that I can't wait to get it over with!
It feels like very specific events triggered my most recent illnesses...for one, being shouted at by a so-called colleague in front of patients while I was trying to help them after having my work second-guessed for an entire year by my manager just seemed a tad too much. That on top of what felt like endless texts from other colleagues asking me to cover their shifts, plus numerous calls on a daily basis from some of my uni mates who wanted help with their essay when I hadn't even had time to start mine...I especially loved it when 1 of them, who'd been ringing me 3 times a day every day, called yet again and I stated how stressed I was about the whole thing, that I hadn't even started my essay yet, and this "friend" brushed it off, saying I was a genius and I'd probably do the whole thing in a day, before launching straight back into asking what they should put in their essay....yeah, thanks for the help and support there!
This all occurred right around the 4th anniversary of the day my ex-husband attacked me...I know it didn't affect me this badly last year, so it was a bit of a shock to find myself having flashbacks about it again, especially when I jumped every time I saw a guy who looked anything like my ex - even music or smells I'd associated with that period of my life triggered intense emotions I've struggled to process. It's like my PTSD came back, and I was so sure I'd managed to process everything to do with that during my CBT early last year that I think it's hit me harder than I'd anticipated. A month on and the intensity has subsided, but I'm now regretting my decision to write an essay on domestic abuse as it really couldn't have come at a worse time.
Going through all this again, and having to go back onto anti-depressants, just feels so frustrating. I think I'd honestly been harbouring the view that so long as I didn't need tablets I'd be ok, or "cured" somehow, and free to live a "normal" life. It now makes me feel like I've been hiding behind this arrogant mask all year, almost as if I've brought it on myself.
Somebody did put things into perspective a few days ago though - they said if I was diabetic, would I stop taking insulin? so why should I feel bad about having to take medicine that's designed to treat my illness?
I'm having to take comfort in small things, like enjoying my food, and taking things 1 day at a time. My brain seems incapable of thinking/planning beyond that. The doc told me I've underestimated my illness - I said at my last appointment that I knew it was just a mild depression but I was really struggling, and they told me my symptoms placed me on the moderate-severe scale so I ought to re-think how I see my illness! I seem to celebrate a day where I've not been in tears - that's the best of my achievements over the last month. I've tried to keep up with my case studies, but really I'm not all "there" and I can't be the therapist my clients need at the moment...worrying, since I'm meant to have my case studies all done and have 1 written up for submission by 20th Jan.
I think the thing that frustrates me the most is not being able to support my boyfriend as much as I'd like to - he's been having an equally shit time, struggling with his own demons & baggage, and he's having to pick up my pieces as well as his own. It's upsetting. But we prop each other up as much as we can - I have this image of a pair of crutches balanced against each other, with tape/bandages etc round each to keep them together. I guess that's the best we can do, for now.
And to top it all off, I'm trying to sort out the settling of vet fees for our youngest cat who has a heart murmur and a retained testicle, and needs some sort of heart scan to determine whether he can even be put under anaesthetic to remove the retained testicle before it causes further health problems....plus I was given a parking ticket that I really should contest (and don't have the energy to).....and woke up today to find a huge dent in the side of my car where somebody kicked it (there are muddy footprints on the side, showing they kicked it several times), which I think was deliberately malicious and aimed at me (it narrows the list of suspects, but doesn't make me feel any better). It just feels like it's never-ending - and it's all stupid small stuff that shouldn't affect me this badly, but instead my mind's racing, I'm tired all the time, I go between feelings of intense rage and worthlessness and can't stop crying...
Roll on 2012!
I started off doing really well - I was organised, I had 100% attendance on all classes (even the ones that were a waste of time) and I'd started planning my coursework and case studies. And then it just all went a bit wonky somehow...
I'm not even sure how I've ended up back here. Certainly I'm not feeling as bad as I was a couple of years ago, but in a way I feel like I've taken a big step backwards, when I was trying to look forwards. But my depression and anxiety symptoms have both reared their ugly heads again, and it's forced me to take a time out. To be fair, I think I've had a bit of a crappy year looking back - I spent the first 4 months ill (flu, tonsilitis, ear infection, tinnitus) and had to have an op to remove my tonsils, lost my first ever cat (even 7 months later, I'm still grieving - I loved him so completely, more than I ever thought possible), was diagnosed with PCOS and told they can't tell if I'm even ovulating (so my fertility is questionable, at best), and somehow came to the realisation that I was raped when I was 19...those are the things that spring to mind when I look back on this year. So it's fair to say that I can't wait to get it over with!
It feels like very specific events triggered my most recent illnesses...for one, being shouted at by a so-called colleague in front of patients while I was trying to help them after having my work second-guessed for an entire year by my manager just seemed a tad too much. That on top of what felt like endless texts from other colleagues asking me to cover their shifts, plus numerous calls on a daily basis from some of my uni mates who wanted help with their essay when I hadn't even had time to start mine...I especially loved it when 1 of them, who'd been ringing me 3 times a day every day, called yet again and I stated how stressed I was about the whole thing, that I hadn't even started my essay yet, and this "friend" brushed it off, saying I was a genius and I'd probably do the whole thing in a day, before launching straight back into asking what they should put in their essay....yeah, thanks for the help and support there!
This all occurred right around the 4th anniversary of the day my ex-husband attacked me...I know it didn't affect me this badly last year, so it was a bit of a shock to find myself having flashbacks about it again, especially when I jumped every time I saw a guy who looked anything like my ex - even music or smells I'd associated with that period of my life triggered intense emotions I've struggled to process. It's like my PTSD came back, and I was so sure I'd managed to process everything to do with that during my CBT early last year that I think it's hit me harder than I'd anticipated. A month on and the intensity has subsided, but I'm now regretting my decision to write an essay on domestic abuse as it really couldn't have come at a worse time.
Going through all this again, and having to go back onto anti-depressants, just feels so frustrating. I think I'd honestly been harbouring the view that so long as I didn't need tablets I'd be ok, or "cured" somehow, and free to live a "normal" life. It now makes me feel like I've been hiding behind this arrogant mask all year, almost as if I've brought it on myself.
Somebody did put things into perspective a few days ago though - they said if I was diabetic, would I stop taking insulin? so why should I feel bad about having to take medicine that's designed to treat my illness?
I'm having to take comfort in small things, like enjoying my food, and taking things 1 day at a time. My brain seems incapable of thinking/planning beyond that. The doc told me I've underestimated my illness - I said at my last appointment that I knew it was just a mild depression but I was really struggling, and they told me my symptoms placed me on the moderate-severe scale so I ought to re-think how I see my illness! I seem to celebrate a day where I've not been in tears - that's the best of my achievements over the last month. I've tried to keep up with my case studies, but really I'm not all "there" and I can't be the therapist my clients need at the moment...worrying, since I'm meant to have my case studies all done and have 1 written up for submission by 20th Jan.
I think the thing that frustrates me the most is not being able to support my boyfriend as much as I'd like to - he's been having an equally shit time, struggling with his own demons & baggage, and he's having to pick up my pieces as well as his own. It's upsetting. But we prop each other up as much as we can - I have this image of a pair of crutches balanced against each other, with tape/bandages etc round each to keep them together. I guess that's the best we can do, for now.
And to top it all off, I'm trying to sort out the settling of vet fees for our youngest cat who has a heart murmur and a retained testicle, and needs some sort of heart scan to determine whether he can even be put under anaesthetic to remove the retained testicle before it causes further health problems....plus I was given a parking ticket that I really should contest (and don't have the energy to).....and woke up today to find a huge dent in the side of my car where somebody kicked it (there are muddy footprints on the side, showing they kicked it several times), which I think was deliberately malicious and aimed at me (it narrows the list of suspects, but doesn't make me feel any better). It just feels like it's never-ending - and it's all stupid small stuff that shouldn't affect me this badly, but instead my mind's racing, I'm tired all the time, I go between feelings of intense rage and worthlessness and can't stop crying...
Roll on 2012!
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