Not really feeling any better

Not much has changed since my last post - I'm still struggling as much as ever. I have "good" days, but they feel fake - I get an almost hyper response to things, and I think it's one of the side effects of my anti-depressants. It was starting to make me paranoid that I actually have bipolar, but I don't seem to have any other symptoms and it does say on my meds that becoming "highly excitable" can be one of the side effects so I'm putting it down to that, but at the same time trying to keep a regular journal to track what's going on in case something happens.

So on my good days, I can function pretty well - showered, dressed etc - and leave the house, but I only seem to have 1 of them about once a week. The rest of the time I just feel like a shadow - really sluggish, forgetful and downhearted. Last week I'd gone to the doctor's for a prescription renewal and to get another sick note, but after that I spent the next 4 days not even bothering to get out of my PJs - the prospect of leaving the house didn't even enter my head, and I had no interest in doing anything.

I dread social encounters where I'm asked what I've been up to lately, because I have no idea what to say - do I admit the truth and say I spend most of my time indoors in PJs because getting showered & dressed is too much effort? That I've been avoiding phone calls because I can't face talking to people?

I seem to have lost all interest in cooking, which is a Big Deal for me - I've been forced to do all my shopping online recently, partly because I can't afford to buy my own groceries so my mum helps out by lending me her card, and on the latest shop I've resigned myself to accepting that I'm just not capable of cooking right now, unless it's a simple "bung it in the oven" scenario, so have had to get a lot of convenient foods like frozen chips, pizza, sausage rolls, etc.

My sleeping is still messed up - I can't seem to get to sleep until it's almost getting light outside, then I can't seem to stay asleep for more than an hour or two...I keep trying to regulate my sleeping habits, but I'm still sleeping until at least midday, sometimes 2pm - very irritating, but I'm too exhausted to even try to get up before then. I'm thankful that uni has been on a break this week, but I'm worried about whether I'll be able to get up for classes next week.

Had my assessment over the phone for counselling this week - I've been referred for more CBT, but there's a 4-month waiting list...I've got an appointment with occupational health coming up so hoping they can maybe get me some help before then, because I'm really struggling. I think I've been downplaying my illness, using the "I'm fine" line because I know deep down that people won't be able to cope with the truth. I'm not suicidal, or at least I don't want to die, but I've been questioning my value lately & from past experience that's a slippery slope to having thoughts about stepping in front of a bus or crashing the car. I don't like admitting when I'm vulnerable - it's part of my self-protection - but I might need to, otherwise I might not get the help I need. But I don't know how to ask for help, and I don't know where to start - it's like I have issues I can't even form coherent thoughts about, let alone put into words.

For the most part, I feel secure at home and even if I don't manage to get dressed or do very much then I still feel ok in a way (as much as a depressed person can be ok, at any rate) - but it's the outside world that...I don't know how to describe it, I don't want to say it terrifies me, but it's the only word my brain will produce. Am I agoraphobic? I don't know. The weird thing is some days I don't think twice about going outside, and other days I avoid it at all costs, or can only do it if my boyfriend comes with me. The counselling assessor asked me "what's the worst that could happen?" and I couldn't answer - that's the most frustrating bit, not knowing what I'm afraid of. Partly I'm afraid that the minute I drop my guard, something bad will happen.

I can't honestly pinpoint what's worse - the anxiety, or the depression. Some days I feel mostly "down", some days I feel hyper-sensitive to my surroundings, and other days I'll jump between them both like somebody playing with my internal light switch.

The sun is shining...but not for me

My last blog post, done at the end of 2011, mentioned I was suffering from anxiety & depression again, and I have to say not much has changed.

I've done a lot of reflecting, to try and understand why I'm feeling the way I am, and I still have no idea.  Most days are a struggle, and it's so frustrating to not know why.  I'm trying to give myself a break, allowing myself time off or time out when I need it and not mentally beat myself up for feeling this way, but it would be good to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been here before, and I know I always get better - but I can't seem to stay better, and that's the bit that worries me the most.

I've been on anti-depressants since just before Xmas, but I'm so forgetful that I have to set myself a daily reminder to take them otherwise I forget - and that's with having them right next to me.  This fog that seems to surround me is so frustrating - I forget so much at the moment that if it's not written down, or have someone to remind me, I won't remember.  For the most part I seem to be functioning pretty well - I can get out of bed (eventually), shower, get dressed, sometimes even feel good enough to cook.  So for anyone on the outside looking in, they'd never know I was ill.  But I feel like it's a mask I'm wearing - it's all for somebody else's benefit.  I can make it through an entire day without crying (most days, anyway) but for the most part I can't remember what I've done - there are times I've held entire conversations with someone and afterwards realised I don't have a clue what was said.  It's like one of those old phrases - the lights are on, but nobody's home.

I've been going to my classes at uni, but it's out of necessity - the course I'm doing has been withdrawn, and it appears to be happening across most of the country, so I know I'll never get the chance to do this again.  I've managed to hand in my assignments on time (for the most part), but I've seen a sharp decline in the quality of my work as I'm getting mainly Cs and Ds, when I'm typically an A/B student.  I just feel so stupid - it's like my brain is incapable of processing anything above simple and it takes me 3 times as long as it would normally to understand whatever I'm reading.

I seem to be suffering from an annoying bout of insomnia as well - not only can it take hours to get to sleep, I struggle staying asleep and end up tossing & turning all night.  I don't know if that's because of my medication, or just the way my mind is at the moment.  I suspect it could be a combination.

The other thing I've noticed is this inability to "switch off" - I know I find it hard to relax usually, but this time around feels different.  It's like I've gone into survival mode, wary of everything around me - it's like my switch is stuck on "fight or flight" response and won't turn off.  Even more worrying is part of me doesn't want to.  One of the things we're doing at uni is looking at different forms of therapy (last week was narrative therapy) as part of the healing process, and we had to pair up and follow a script focused around 1 negative trait we could identify in ourselves, and externalise the problem.  For most people, it was control - for me, it was worry.  It's only been on reflection that I've realised just how much I worry, and how little it takes to set me off - but it feels like I'm expecting something bad to happen so I won't allow myself to relax in case I have to escape.  It's no wonder I'm so exhausted - it can't be doing my body any good, and I know this is 1 of the symptoms of anxiety, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I just wish I knew what was going on - I keep thinking that if I could understand why this is happening, I'd be able to deal with it better...whether that's true or not, I don't know, but I have to keep hoping things will get better.

Bring on the New Year...can't be any worse than this one!

I've not posted in a while - I must admit it was a bit of a shock to the system going back to uni after 4 months of doing Not Very Much!

I started off doing really well - I was organised, I had 100% attendance on all classes (even the ones that were a waste of time) and I'd started planning my coursework and case studies.  And then it just all went a bit wonky somehow...

I'm not even sure how I've ended up back here.  Certainly I'm not feeling as bad as I was a couple of years ago, but in a way I feel like I've taken a big step backwards, when I was trying to look forwards.  But my depression and anxiety symptoms have both reared their ugly heads again, and it's forced me to take a time out.  To be fair, I think I've had a bit of a crappy year looking back - I spent the first 4 months ill (flu, tonsilitis, ear infection, tinnitus) and had to have an op to remove my tonsils, lost my first ever cat (even 7 months later, I'm still grieving - I loved him so completely, more than I ever thought possible), was diagnosed with PCOS and told they can't tell if I'm even ovulating (so my fertility is questionable, at best), and somehow came to the realisation that I was raped when I was 19...those are the things that spring to mind when I look back on this year.  So it's fair to say that I can't wait to get it over with!

South Beach Diet - Day 2

Ok, day 2 feels like it's gone a little better for me.  Still not got my routine down though - not had as much to eat as I'd hoped (now that seems like a strange thing to say when dieting!) due to yet another late start, so I'm feeling that I need to tackle this ASAP, because I'm starting to realise that I haven't had a proper routine for a while and have been allowing my stomach to dictate when & what I eat.  This could be part of the cause of my weight gain, and the increasing symptoms of my PCOS.  I feel like I had a "Eureka!" moment today when I noticed this.

Well, I started the day with my usual actimel probiotic drink - although I've had to switch to a fat-free version, and as I'm not allowed any fruits or fruit juices (only during phase 1, to get rid of those sugar cravings, which is fine cos I'm more of a veg person anyway) I figured I was better off with the original variety.

Then for breakfast I had turkey rashers & sliced tomato topped with mozarella - all grilled.  Verdict: winner!

Tried the veg juice again, this time on it's own - still not much better, after 2 hours I still had half a glass left so decided to chuck the rest away.  Verdict: binned.

For an afternoon snack, I had cubes of low-fat cheddar and some cherry tomatoes - very nice, filled a spot, but I felt like I needed more (or maybe that was due to my boyfriend stealing some of my cheese!)  Verdict: try again next time.

Dinner tonight was awesome! I was inspired by things I've had before, so I went for a chicken breast stuffed with goat's cheese & red pepper (I sliced the chicken breast across the top, in a butterfly style), tenderstem brocolli, spring greens, toasted pine nuts, roasted onion & red pepper slices (done in the oven with garlic and balsamic vinegar), plus a salad of rocket, lambs lettuce, celery, cucumber, cherry tomatoes & feta with a homemade balsamic dressing.  And here's the end result:

I might have overdone it with the toasted pine nuts, but they were so tasty and just seemed to bring the whole dish together - I was so pleased!  And I made a new discovery - I love spring greens!  I was a bit hesitant, but figured it was hightime I got out of my foodie comfort zone and tried something new - I had a nibble on a leaf before I cooked it, just to see what it'd be like and it tasted a lot like brussel sprouts, but once it was cooked it seemed to bring out a gentle sweetness that was just amazing!

For the salad dressing, I just mixed together a crushed garlic clove, balsamic vinegar, extra virgin olive oil and a little wholegrain mustard.  Very tasty.





Verdict on tonight's dinner: WINNER!

It was the right amount for me - filled me right up, I didn't have any cravings and only 3 hours later do I fancy having a snack.  Will most definitely be doing this one again!

Well that's it on progress so far - now I'm off to find a snack that will do me til morning :)

South Beach Diet - Day 1

Right, how did Day 1 go? Well, I probably didn't get off to the best start because I was waiting on my shopping being delivered - and that didn't arrive until lunchtime.

So besides getting up late and not having any food til late lunch, let's see what I did manage to do:

1st try of soya milk (unsweetened) - interesting! I thought I was as well to try it, because I can't have my usual semi-skimmed milk (can have skimmed only, or other low-fat milk alternatives), but I'm glad I only bought a small carton! It didn't taste too bad, but the smell was pretty strong and off-putting - very nutty, with a hint of cardboard, and reminded me too much of some funky rice pudding for me to enjoy it.  Verdict: binned.

My next new "buy n try" was vanilla protein powder. Sadly my first attempt at mixing it with something (vegetable juice - see below) was beyond yuck and put me off.  But I've realised I maybe just need to research it more, to get ideas of what I can do with it, and think it will probably be of more use to me at phase 2 - when I'll have more food choices.  Verdict: try again next time.

So onto the veg juice - I got some V8 to try, as it's recommended in the book to have a glass of vegetable juice every day.  I must admit, I was trying a shortcut by combining my breakfast & lunch options in one go (since it was getting on for 1pm) and somehow thought it would be good to try blending some of this veg juice with the protein powder.  I was wrong.  Very, very wrong! It was so horrible that after the first sip, I felt physically sick at the thought of having any more, so sadly it went down the sink.  Verdict: try again next time.

Finally I found a winning combo - turkey rashers, tomatoes and scrambled egg.  The main thing with the 1st 2 weeks is pretty much all carbohydrates are off-limits - that means no pasta, rice, potatoes or bread.  Which are all pretty much my staples - already I was missing my morning cereal, and it's only day 1! But the turkey rashers are yummy - I grilled 2 of them, along with 2 tomatoes, and scrambled 2 eggs on the hob.  Verdict: winner!

All this just for some breakfast!

Dinner went a little better - I'd had time to think, so was able to get a bit more creative.  I decided on pork medallions, marinated in soy, ginger & balsamic vinegar, accompanied with grilled asparagus & green beans, plus a side of butter beans in a tomato sauce (homemade - so no sugar or additives).  Unfortunately I didn't take a pic of this, but it was delicious and I will be doing this one again.  The only thing is I'd decided against doing a side salad, because my plate was beyond full with all those veggies piled on, but I was actually still hungry afterwards so really could have done with something more.  Verdict: potential winner, but needs work.

As a late-night snack I had some Greek yoghurt, with a little of the vanilla protein powder mixed in to help fill me up (my tummy was on the verge of rumbling again, since dinner didn't fill me up) and a handful of cashews.  Verdict: tasty.

Overall, I think once I got over the initial teething problems I did ok - but I didn't follow the diet rules as closely as I should have.  The whole idea of this diet is to level out blood-sugar levels by eating regularly, and I soooo didn't do that - so it's no wonder I didn't feel full.  I'm meant to have 3 full meals (breakfast, lunch & dinner), with 2 snacks and a dessert thrown in.  I only managed breakfast - actually more like brunch - and dinner, with a late-night snack.  I did finish the night with a hot chocolate - thankfully, I only use cocoa powder anyway for my hot chocolates, so it wasn't too much of a hardship for me haha! Instead of using sugar, I used fructose instead (fruit sugar) and added a little skimmed milk to the boiled water.  I think that could be my nightly treat!

South Beach Diet - The Start!

Alright, I said in a previous post that I hate "fad" diets.  That hasn't changed.  But I have been feeling that I need to change my routine up a bit, sort out my eating habits and I desperately want to lose weight.  So for inspiration, I read through the weight-loss post of my fave fitness blogger, Fitnessista - this chick is awesome, she always posts inspirational things and lots of pretty pictures about yummy foods etc, and she also managed to lose 40lbs a few years ago.  So I found her weight-loss post here, and I noticed that she mentioned the South Beach diet.

It's not one I'd heard of before, but I was interested enough from the things Fitnessista said to read up on it - and it actually sounded like the kind of thing I was looking for.  In a nutshell, it's not one of these diets that's designed to help you lose weight then that's the end of the story, you can go back to your old habits.  Here's what I like about it (without sounding like I work for their marketing team) - it was written by a doctor, has 3 different phases (phase 1 is the shortest, lasting 2 weeks & designed to kick-start your metabolism & get rid of cravings, then phase 2 is about slow & steady weight loss by making healthy food choices, then phase 3 is pretty much the rest of your life - according to the book, by the time you've reached your goal weight you should know what's good/bad so there's not really much in the way of what you can/can't have at this stage) and it's basically designed to teach you good eating habits you can keep up for life - definitely my kinda diet!

So now that I've explained my reasoning behind trying this diet, I'll be blogging about my progress - but not in a "You have to try this diet!" way, just really to see if it works and if anyone is interested in trying it out then it might give an idea of the positives/negatives.

Watch this space...!

Stereotypes, perceptions & assumptions....the mother of all f***-ups

One thing I keep re-learning as I get older is that stereotypes and assumptions are never good - they block you from seeing what's really there, or understand what's really going on.  It's like you get some sort of mental block from reality.

People form stereotypes, or make assumptions, all the time - and it happens everywhere.  I see it when I'm driving, and the driver behind assumes I have the same intentions as him/her (discovered this on a frightening level recently, when I had to drive on a spare tyre with a maximum speed limit of 40mph for safety reasons - I even had lorries swerving out at the last minute, when there was nothing else on the road and they could clearly see me from a mile off, with them frantically flashing their lights as if to say "move out the way" and I'm thinking "I can't go any faster, you're gaining on me like there's no tomorrow and you want me to move?!?").  I also see it at work, when a colleague reacts in some weird way if a patient discloses they have schizophrenia (they become so wary, as if they've just been put in a cage with a hungry lion) because they assume, no thanks to the media, that all schizophrenics are knife-wielding lunatics.